When I tell people I’m a therapist, I get some interesting responses. It is made clear very quickly that they have certain opinions, beliefs or fears about what therapists do or are, and what they feel therapy is about. I suppose there are stereotypes about every career, but this one is personal.
To clarify some of the myths of what therapists are or are not, in my opinion, let’s look at the following:
Myth 1: Therapists are perfect people.
In my opinion: Therapists are far from perfect and if they are trying to get you to think they know it all, or have it all figured out, then I would caution going to that therapist.
I do no want to be a paragon. The client knows themselves best. I just get curious and ask good questions.
As well-known existential psychiatrist Irwin Yalom said in his famous book The Gift of Therapy:
“Everyone—and that includes therapists as well as patients—is destined to experience not only the exhilaration of life, but also its inevitable darkness: disillusionment, aging, illness, isolation, loss, meaninglessness, painful choices, and death".
He goes on to say:
“I prefer to think of my patients and myself as fellow travelers, a term that abolishes distinctions between “them” (the afflicted) and “us” (the healers)”.
Marie Forleo calls it “a guide on the side”. I may have more skills, insight or wisdom to share, but we all have our journey. A therapist wants to support you on yours.
Myth 2: Therapists don’t need therapy.
In my opinion: This is a trap many therapists fall into and is closely linked to myth one. As a trauma therapist and someone on a life-long journey for insight, I am a major proponent of therapists being in therapy. Sadly, many graduate programs don’t even require their students to have therapy while they are learning to be therapists.
How can we know what it feels like for our clients to be vulnerable and share their dark secrets with us if we haven’t done the same? I don't think it's fair to our clients to have never sat on that side of the room, or on that couch.
As a therapist, being in therapy can be a great form of self-care. We have clients sharing some tough stuff with us week after week. So therapists need a rigorous amount of self -care and often that means someone to support us too. That doesn’t mean we need to disclose that to our clients, or, that therapy is forever, but if I were interviewing a therapist as a client, I would ask if they have ever done their own work.
When I tell people that I see a therapist, they sometimes say, "shouldn't you have your shit together?"
That feels like such an ignorant statement. Who among us has their shit together? What does that even mean? So, if someone I love dies, I don't need support for it? If I face financial troubles, a sick partner, a divorce, or family conflict, I'm not allowed to seek someone objective to speak to, share my feelings with, and explore better coping? As a therapist, I shouldn't ever experience these things? Or, is it that somehow I should think it's okay to just experience it all in isolation?
True, some people feel it's weak or that it means you're really messed up if you need to seek support for these things. But others don't want to burden their friends with intense feelings and experiences, and therapy can be an objective, accepting space to just let it all out without having to feel responsible for the other party. What a relief.
Myth 3: Therapists are just screwed up and crazy people who got into the field to resolve their own issues.
In my opinion: Alas, there are people who are in this field who have not done their own work, may have a narcissistic “healer” complex, or are simply poorly trained. As in any field there are people who are really good at their job and others who should find other work. I’ve experienced bad doctors, bad lawyers, bad religious leaders, bad massage therapists, bad waitstaff, bad hairdressers, etc. That is why we should always trust our gut, ask the questions we want to ask, get referrals and do our research when selecting anyone we choose to do business with.
On the other hand, many therapists got into the field after doing work on their own issues and it was specifically because of their own experiences that they have developed compassion, empathy, wisdom, ways of coping and a desire to support others in their pain.
Myth 4: You’re analyzing me and judging me
In my opinion: Depending on the type of therapy (referred to as treatment modality), analysis is probably not what your therapist is doing and they definitely should not be judging you. Do we get frustrated sometimes? Yes. But that’s because we can often see where you are stuck and we know that person isn’t good for you or that job is sucking the life out of you or your children are taking advantage of you, and, we want you to be happy and unstuck. Therapists should also be patient and know that everyone arrives to their truth in their own time. Experienced therapists also know how to stay in their wheelhouse which makes for better relationships between therapist and client. Ultimately, we look forward to seeing you, we care about you, we want you to succeed, and, we miss you when you terminate (even though we know this is inevitable).
Myth 5: Therapists are only out for my money and don’t want me to get better so I can support their income.
In my opinion: Back to how there are good and bad workers out there. I can’t imagine a therapist ever thinking this way but I suppose some doctors and lawyers might, maybe the siding guy, too. So I guess it’s possible, but also highly unethical and probably rare.
We are held to firm ethics and boundaries in our field and if you ever feel like you are just a ‘cash cow’ and not making progress in therapy…run! In fact, a good therapist should be monitoring your progress, revisiting your goals for treatment now and then, and reflecting on any growth you have made. Some clients are more goal-oriented and some just need an ear and a sounding board, but you always have the right to terminate at any time, even if we think you shouldn’t.
That said, we are also making a living. We are small business owners and have to manage the financial side of things from working within insurance parameters to paying our liability and health insurance, to continuing our education, paying for consultation, advertising, etc. So yes, we do have expenses and families to support just like everyone else.
We also should be holding good boundaries around late cancel and no show fees. Therapy is a commitment to yourself, but also involves a legal contract. A client leaving our practice though only opens a slot for someone new because there are many who believe in what we do and want the help.
I hope this dispels some myths and reassures a little. I work with many therapists who are passionate about educating, inspiring and leading others to relief and peace.
Again, like Yalom said, we are fellow journeyers. We value relationships and what connection can do to heal the soul. We are grateful for the time we bear witness to your life's trials and tribulations.
~Namaste
